Welcome to 2022! (Okay, I am a bit slow.) Stirring the coffee in my super-size cup, here is what I see in the ripples for our future (in no chronological order, for purposes of plain laziness):

… In the closing sessions of an Ontario construction corruption scandal commission, crooked contractors will be forced to make restitution by doing all Toronto snow removal for the next 20 years, free of charge. This will create its own controversy when it will be discovered that they are keeping the top 3% crust of powder and selling it at a premium to ski resorts after the latter’s snow-making machines are mysteriously destroyed. (In an ironic twist, it will be discovered that the commission budget will overrun due to the mob cleverly skimming 3% off the top of that also.)

… The next NHL contract will include an unpublicized proviso that all future negotiations will be settled by a shootout. Gary Bettman will suit up in goalie equipment and stop shots from Donald Fehr, and vice versa. Furthermore, following a reduced regular season that will be shorter than the subsequent playoffs, a hissy Bettman will cancel the next three seasons just out of spite.

… The still hanging-on federal Liberal party led by Justin Trudeau, in an effort to monopolize any future legislation, will pass a bill (What’s the latest open number?) giving them legal copyright of all Bill numbers up to 999. That way, no opposition can pass anything without the Liberal’s permission. For example, Bill 546 will restrict the right of all people born on a Tuesday access to convenience stores unless they can spell “Slurpy.” Bill 547 will reverse this. Bill 548 will simply be a confusing question mark on a blank piece of paper. Bill 549 will allow the sale of Prime Minister This-just-in Trudeau six million dollar mansion to foreign interests.

… By a Quebec provincial edict, Bombardier will be declared omnipotent. All orders for trains, planes and baby carriages will automatically go to them with no bidding process. This will be handled by the Solomon-like wise men of Transport Quebec. To avoid nuisances like corruption commissions, TQ will change its name every year from then on, under the theory that a moving target is more difficult to hit.

… Premier Ford in preserving the Green Corridor outside Toronto, makes it into the world’s largest golf course and (401) driving range.

… Indigenous natives will finally hit on an effective means of bending Fuhrer Trudeau’s ear. Beyond blockage of the railway lines – which does not motivate Justie – they hit on a genius plan: Blockage of all entrances to Walmart and Costco. The subsequent revolt by commercially driven civilians forces Trudeau into returning all native lands, leaving the rest of us with PEI and corners of Ile-de-Madeleine. Shopaholics will consider this a reasonable compromise. As a pleasant surprise, gasoline and cigarette prices drop by 80% across Canada.

… In a monumental shift in U.S. gun politics, Democrats agree to add Republican amendments. The following rhetoric will be added to the American Constitution: “I’ll give you my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead hands, and guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” By this logic, rocket launchers and atom bombs will be available at all convenience stores. Beyond schools having armed security, firemen will be required to carry guns, also. (Who is better prepared for a “fire fight”?) All company receptionists will be obliged to hide legalized flame throwers under their desks in case of trouble.

I will now drink up my coffee. Have another day.

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